Dear Husband / Partner
Dear hubby (or partner ... but I'll just say hubby for the sake of simplicity)
Yesterday I told you that I was going to see someone else about my weight. You got a bit angry. You told me that money doesn't grow on trees and that we're not rich. You told me that I'm always spending money on weight loss and why can't I do it. You told me I just need to eat better and do some exercise.
All I heard you say was "You're not good enough to have money spent on you to make you feel better". "You're lazy and you're a pig". "We're never getting out of our financial woes, you're never getting out of your weight loss woes"
That night. I ate my way through an entire packet of Tim Tams. You didn't know until the next morning when you exclaimed "You ATE all the Tim Tams".
That day I found more Tim Tams to eat. But your words haunted me with every bite I took.
You see, my dear, wonderful husband. Every morning I wake up, barely. I wish some fairy godmother would just come and swallow me up and take me away from the anxiety and sadness I feel every time I see that sun start to rise. That's even if I slept that well. Did you notice, I was awake during the night, restless, stressed, upset, and full of despair.
Did you notice last week, I was out of bed for 2 hours, crouched over the toilet. My menstrual pain was so bad I was vomiting. You didn't know.
Did you notice 2 weeks ago when I didn't take a shit for 3 days. No, I never told you.
I wake up with such poor energy, that only coffee gets me going. Not one, but a few. That coffee spikes my stress hormones, and I end up a little bit anxious, a little bit on edge, and just a little bit pissy about spending another 8 hours alone with the kids screaming at me or sitting at a job that I, quite frankly fucking hate and that pays me less than what I'm worth.
But I have such low self esteem that I can't even bring myself to get a different job.
Because who hires fat people.
I'm so miserable and stressed that the only comfort I have is food. It wraps around me like a warm hug. The hug that I so desperately need from you when you rush through the door, grunting about your shitty day and 'where's the beer'.
After an entire day of dealing with our blessed kids, and dealing with your dinner and keeping your house clean and being your support person I'm simply exhausted. I'm even more exhausted, because while doing all of this, I thought about those women with beautiful slim bodies, happy calm lives and how crap I am in comparison. I thought about the stepford wives, and how much I hate them for their perfection. I thought about how much of a failure I am as a wife, a mother and as a woman.
My exhaustion was compounded when I tried to make myself feel better with those goddam Tim Tams that you told me off about. And when I ate them, I thought of your words. You're right, I don't deserve to feel happy, calm, slim and sexy. You're right, I don't deserve to spend any money on myself. I don't deserve to have a sex drive, even moods and painless periods.
You are 100% right my dear sweet husband.
I don't deserve anything good for myself.
That's why I'm so fat.
You may think this is extreme. But this is what I have to put up with every single day. I already feel worthless, and I feel even worse when you tell me I'm not allowed to spend any money or when you try to give me diet advice. I shouldn't have to ask you for money to help myself feel good.
Did you notice we don't have sex anymore?
That's because I see myself as a big fat heifer. I also have no sex drive. I literally do not get horny. But don't worry, I know full well you're still keen. I can see the hurt in you when I deny you. I can see your manhood being crushed.
My womanhood was crushed long before that. And I want it back.
So, my sexy, awesome husband. I need you to trust me, that the journey I am on is one that will benefit both of us. It is painful where I am right now, you have no idea. I'm binging uncontrollably and I don't know why. You need to trust that I will find the solution, but you need to understand that there is a lot of diet misinformation.
I may accidentally purchase that misinformation. And it might be a waste of money.
But it will lead me away from that and towards something else.
And something else
And one day. We will get a kick ass return on our investment.
I hope you can find it in your heart to understand my pain and to understand that its not just diet and exercise. It's deeper than that. Imagine me telling you to just "stop drinking beer" - I don't think you would do it, so please, don't expect me just to "do it" either.
Please, understand me husband. I'm inside this fat suit and I've been screaming to get out for years. Clearly I haven't found the right person yet to help me, but if I don't have the opportunity to keep searching, I never will.
I love you.